Tokyo Love

Taman Gyoen di Shinjuku

Takeshita Dori di Harajuku

Kau patut tahu aku rindu

Jangan lupa kembali pada ku

Shidare Hanami di bulan tiga

April kuntumkan Soemi

Manusia hanya boleh usaha

Jangan sampai ada benci

Dingin Tokyo makin rasa

Sarung kaki sudah dua

Nyamanlah tidur sayang beta

Tuhan ada, kita tak tercela

Good night, Dear

Im having pain

In the upper part of the productive chain

Which i noticed would attack me every other month like a villain

That consistent im telling u

Keep refreshing the inbox through

Theres still no email from u

And the pain gets deeper

Shall get a sleeper

Good nite Dear

Separation

And the oak tree and cypress grow not in each other's shadow - Khalil Gibran

Abah

As I was typing this article, it is already 1 .47 am and marks 1 year 30 minutes of Abah’s demise. One hour ago, I can still hear the weeping sound from room next door. That must be Ain. About 2 hours ago, a posting on FB from my elder sister. 3 hours ago, the nephew was tossing and turning on his bed trying to get a sleep. 4 hours ago, the melancholy tone from Emak. Everybody is in grief. Me? I don’t really know what I feel now.

All I can remember a year back, at this very peaceful morning, I cried in despair and sorrow that even a little sympathy would make me sobbing horribly. I took a corner just outside Abah’s ward and cried and cried and cried non-stop the minute the Doctor affirmed that Abah was no longer with us, till my brother came and hugged me, but only to find out that I don’t need any hugs. It made me become worse. Kaklong was a bit tough that time. I know she was trying to hold her sadness just to make sure we got through this with guts.

Few hours before Abah blew away his final breath, I was quite happy as he did show some positive response to us. We didn’t stop communicating with him although he was unconscious for 3 days already. We talked to him, we told him stories, we recited Quran for him, did whatever things that family members would do just to feel that he was still there with us. He winked his eyes with a high eyebrow lifting when I told him I was the one besides him and Kakngah could not enter the room coz she was having a flu so she was just standing by the glass door. It happened to Emak, Hafiz and other sisters too. They got their own response from Abah that night, after 3 days of unconsciousness. We thought Abah was going to get better. Little that we knew that was actually his way of saying good bye. For good. And that night, I had the most longest Yasin ever in my life as I kept on weeping and sobbing while reciting. That was the moment when Hafiz came to calm me down and I couldn’t stop but thinking that this is the guy who’s gonna be my Wali, not Abah. It was very emotional moment for me and quite devastating to admit that I have to let him go.

We didn’t sleep for almost 40 hours that day. Abah passed away on 11 June 2011 at 1.47 am on his very own bed in Hospital Angkatan Tentera Tuanku Mizan, Wangsa Maju. His remains was being prayed for twice. The arrangement was so fast as many of his friends from the army were giving helping hands. Everything was so smooth. Not to mention the escorts from The Military Police with MP superbike and all, just to clear the traffic for us from the surau in Jalan Genting Kelang (the place for first sembahyang jenazah) to our home in Kajang. By the time we reached home, it was already 7.15 am. I saw there were already few tents erected in front of the house.  That was another smooth arrangement from the neighbors. Thanks. Only Allah can repay all of your good deeds.

The moment I entered the house from Jalan Genting Kelang, I immediately felt the emptiness. People say, the house will have lack of spirit if the man of the house is no longer there. I now understand the feeling. I went straight away to Abah’s room. I opened his wardrobe and I smelled his clothes and I cried in front of it for about 15 minutes. I went crazy when I started to realized that a month before that, he ironed all his shirts and hanged it nicely and told me to follow FIFO if he ever asked me to take one out for him. He even folded all his kain pelikat, wrapped it nicely with another piece of kain pelikat and kept it at the very low compartment in his drawer. How could I did not sense the sign??

Then came the second prayers at the surau near home, from the neighbours, family members and friends. Everything was very fast. Emak, sisters and I dont even had the chance to see them bury his body as we were being stopped few times by friends on the way to the cemetary. When we reached there, it was already the time for talkin by my uncle, Abah's elder brother. That was the saddest talkin I've ever heard. Very melancholic. Crestfallen and dispirited.

Everything settled by 10.30 am and Abah has been burried at Tanah Perkuburan Islam Sungai Kantan, at peace. Since then, I am never afraid of going there alone although before this, I always had that creepy feeling whenever I passed by the area. I heard Mona Fendy's body is also being burried there. I am also no longer afraid of mortuary anymore. The rest of the day, week by week, even months, we siblings couldn't stop expressing our lament to each other. Then we all cried together and Emak would come into picture to calm us down. Sigh... it should be the other way around.

I am the most copycat of Abah. My face, is a duplicate copy of Abah. Emak told me, when I was young like 3-4 years old, (that was the time when I had my potty training), Abah would seated me on his calf  in the toilet whenever I woke up for kencing malam. He seated me on his calf just to make sure my buttock doesn't get to feel the coldness of the toilet seat and went cranky. He would do that while I was half asleep. I don’t even remember this. When I was in standard 3-4, Abah would sing to us every morning just to wake us up for Subuh prayers. He would join us and lay down on our bed until we woke up. Sometimes, he would sing from the garden as my room was facing the garden back then. He was also the one who would flush me with lots of water at night whenever I gave my excuses to bathe after a long day. I remember he splashed me with a pail of water on the kitchen floor when I tried to hide from him and pretending helping Emak cooked dinner when we just came back from a family outing.

When I was in secondary school and went for the boarding school, he always reminded me to have big heart. He sent me cards and never forgets to write “HATI JANGAN KECIL”. Maybe that’s the reason I am who I am now. Always HATI BESAR that sometimes people mistaken me for high maintenance with bold statement. At this hour, I’m still hearing Abah singing Gerard Joling’s Everlasting Love at the back of my head. Abah had a nice voice with vibrato. He can sing. So does Emak. Maybe that’s why us siblings can sing. Except that I have the worst voice of them all.

When Abah was diagnosed with cancer, he never loses hope. He fought till his very last breath. He once drove all the way from KL to Kuala Terengganu to Segamat and then back to KL, just to show us that he was okay and he was capable to serve his responsibility as a perfect and normal father. That was just 3 months before his death. Suite his favorite quote: Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.

If I were to write everything about Abah, I will never finish until forever. I have a day job to attend tomorrow and I know I’m gonna have a tough day with work with this lack of sleeping. So Abah, may you rest in peace. I love you with all my heart and will never stop loving you. Nobody can ever replace you as my Abah and im a proud daughter of yours. Al Fatihah.

The Call

When you drive alone for a journey of more than 30 minutes, what do you enjoy the most? For me, it depends on my mood. If it’s a morning drive to office, I’ll tend to listen to my type of music and sing my heart out. It’s good though, because normally I would get stuck in the traffic and singing loudly would make me swing over my mood from traffic stress. I’ll tend to do deep thinking usually while driving home from office. It will relate from whatever song that I listen to. The topic could be anything, anybody and most of the time, I really felt deep and so immersed into that thinking that I could cry badly. Cikpah said I once cried like a pig. Damn! At times, I can’t find the answer for my thinking. For that case, I’ll tend to become spaced out and will also affect my mood when at home.

Last night, I was listening to Backstreet Boys – The Call. I understand the hidden meaning of that song now that I’m not that naïve. I remember last time during Uni days, I was cheated by the video clip and that I’ve never listen to the song carefully. I thought the guy was on some secret mission. Naïve! It is not! The song is actually tells us about infidelity and lies made in a relationship! And that guy is actually started to feel that the deceitful things that he did is actually eating him from inside. If you haven’t listened to that song yet, here is the lyric:

Let me tell you the story about the call that changed my destiny

Me and my boys went out, just to end up in misery

Was about to go home when there she was standing in front of me

I said hi! I got a little place nearby, wanna go?

I should've said no

Someone's waiting for me

But I called my girl up and said

[chorus:]

Listen baby I'm sorry

Just wanna tell you don't worry

I will be late, don't stay up and wait for me

I say again, you're dropping out, my battery is low

Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby

Gotta go!

Now two years gone, nothing's been won

I can't take it back, what's done is done

One of her friends found out that she wasn't my only one

And it eats me from inside that she's not by my side

Just because I made that call and lied

[chorus:]

Listen baby I'm sorry

Just wanna tell you don't worry

I will be late, don't stay up and wait for me

I say again, you're dropping out, my battery is low

Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby

Gotta go!

Listen baby, I'm sorry

Listen baby, I'm sorry

Oh...

Let me tell you the story ‘bout the call that changed my destiny

Me and my boys went out just to end up in misery

Was about to go home when there she was standing in front of me

I said hi, I got a little place nearby, gotta go...

[chorus:]

Listen baby I'm sorry

Just wanna tell you don't worry

I will be late, don't stay up and wait for me

I say again, you're dropping out, my battery is low

Just so you know, we're going to a place nearby

Gotta go!