Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Sandaran Hati


yakinkah ku berdiri
di hempa tanpa tepi
bolehkah aku mendengarmu
terkubur dalam emosi
tanpa bisa bersembunyi
aku dan nafasku merindukanmu
terpuruk ku di sini
terangi dia yang sepi
dan ku tahu pasti kau menemani
dalam hidupku kesendirianku

teringat ku teringat
pada janjimu ku terikat
hanya sekejap ku berdiri
kulakukan sepenuh hati
peduli ku peduli
siang dan malam yang berganti
pedihku ini tak ada erti
jika kaulah sandartan hati
kaulah sandaran hati sandaran hati

inikah yang kau mahu
benarkah ini jalanmu
hanyalah engkau yang ku tuju
pegang erat tanganku
bimbing langkah kakiku
aku hilang arah tanpa hadirmu
dalam gelapnya malam hariku

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Happy. I've Found My Long Lost Cream PANTS


At certain point, as clumsy as I am, I tend to lose my stuff. I tend to accidently delete my files, working files so I have to beg for IT to retrieve it. I tend to forget my password, my parking tix, my Touch n Go card, my sharpest-ever scissors, but very seldom (never can I say..?) on my clothing. So when I lost my fav pants for the first time, I felt really frustrated coz I do really care of all my clothing.

I never let my sister do my laundry. I never hang dry my clothing if the weather outside not really bright or at least windy coz Im afraid that it will smell horrible. If that happen, I will wash it all over again. I never leave my clothes unfolded in laundry basket. I'll make sure it nicely kept in my wardrobe once it dry. Ok.. my point is, I know my clothes whereabout. So, when I lost my pants, I didnt really search for it coz I know it will come to me eventually (but I kept badgering my mum and sis to look for the pants. hehe). And you know what? I've found it last night, underneath my drawer. It fell there coz my drawer is too packed with pants that when I lifted it out, I would push my pants to the bottom of it that nobody wont reach that gloomy area.

Moral of the story, stop buying new clothes coz I already have an overflowing drawer and wardrobe. Or if i keep buying, I know where to search at if I lost one of them later. :)

I like pictures full of smile. So here some of it taken recetly.



Thursday, November 01, 2007

...


THE RESULT has out. I do summore reading. And found out that I might have an increased tendency toward anemia during pregnancy. Scared.

Ketiak kau busuk

Semalam, balik dari kerja aku tgk Emak masak banyak sgt. Panggil jiran-jiran datang makan. Emak masak dari pkl 3 ptg sorang2. Adik mmg tak turun dari bilik dia sbb SPM dah sgt dekat. Jadi aku tinggal nak potong2 dan hidang2. Lepas isyak, jiran pn dtg. Ada satu jiran baru. Baru pindah selang 4 rumah dari rumah aku. Aku tak kenal.

Lepas basuh pinggan, aku cuba nak ke hall depan jumpa jiran2 semua. Tapi sampai dkt tmpt TV, aku terhidu bau busuk. Bau ketiak busuk yang datang dari hall depan lebih tepatnye. Kuat ya amat. KENAPE? Kenapa kau tak sedar ke ketiak kau busuk! Ya. datang dari jiran baru aku tu. Badan besar2 keluarga mereka. Emak kata dia datang satu keluarga dengan anak menantu cucu yg sebenarnya tak duduk sekali tapi mlm td dtg jenguk mak bapak tapi angkut satu famili. Malu.

Aku nampak jiran baru tu cuba bersmgt kejiranan. Dia isikan laksa dlm mangkuk untuk semua org. Tapi penuh sampai agak nak melimpah. Belum letak ulam n kuah lagi. Kalau habis takpe. Tapi semua masuk dalam tong sampah masa aku basuh pinggan. BODOH! Ni semua sebab ketiak kau busuk kau tau tak? Aku dah bengang.

Lepas tu pulak, rumah aku ni sempit, jadi aku dah tolak kerusi makan kat tepi dinding supaya jadi buffet style. Tapi kenapa kau tarik kerusi masuk meja jugak. Dah semua org ikut dan mkn tepi2 hidangan. Yang bengangnye lagi, sbb air liur kau merecik2 kat makanan lain atas meja. Kau makan laksa. Jangan tipu tak merecik. Kau tak pernah hadir openhouse ke? Mana etika?

Note: Change in font color to reflect anger.


Monday, October 29, 2007

Abah dan Emak

Baru lepas hantar Abah masuk HUKM. Untuk program chemo ke-2. Kali ni, Abah tak perlu kene teman. Sebab dia dah dpt bangun, dapat berjalan. Cuma tak dapat angkat benda berat2. Harap Abah cekal dan kuat dan dapat jaga makan. Mungkin dia perlu program ke-2 sebab dia tak jaga makan. Nafsu untuk mkn daging (red meat) mmg susah nak tahan kalau waktu bulan puasa dan raya dgn byknya kenduri, rumah terbuka etc. Tapi Abah mmg suka sgt makan ikan kering/pekasam. Hmmm... kadang2 dia terlupa dia kene kawal mkn benda2 mcm ni. Moga umur Abah panjang supaya dapat temankan Mak sama2 in their grey n old time.

On second note, tadi kali ke-3 aku pergi in house clinic. Result thalassemia masih belum keluar. Doakan aku sihat.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Delectable


Masa hari terakhir Ramadhan, aku sempat jalan2 di pasar ramadan Chabang Tiga, Kuala Terengganu. Ada satu jenis kuih tak pernah aku jumpa. Comel. Nampak macam tembikai. Tapi bukan. Ini puding. Rasa macam a bit spongy. Sedap kot.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Colors of my life


Sejak akhir2 ni, aku asyik belanja je. Beli barang2 yang lagaknya macam orang kaya. Kuat betul pengaruh. Tapi ada suatu feeling yang tak dapat nak digambar kalau beli sesuatu yang mahal ni. Mungkin puas hati sebab ada kualiti. Seronok sebab dapat barang baru. Risau pn ada sebab takut hujung bulan terpaksa ikat perut or defisit sampai kene pinjam duit orang lain. Release sbb waktu2 tertekan, shopping adalah salah satu cara 'retail' theraphy. Gila pn ada sebab excited nak pakai barang2 baru tu...


Sekali sekala... kalau nak belagak macam org kaya untuk kepuasan diri sendiri.... itu tak salah. Atau duit gaji tu taknak simpan langsung hanguskan semua. Tapi kene make sure betul2 mampu. Jangan sampai kene utang credit card. Itu yang tak best.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I never meant to do you harm


While driving this morning, i saw them again. This time, they walked a bit faster than before. She gripped her partner's hand, smiling. He was struggling and trying his best to be able to walk again. Maybe he is recovering from an illness, or was involved in an accident.

I was touched, for the second time. That scene was exactly same as what I always cogitate, on and on. If Himself will be ill till the day he dies, I wanna live with him, look after, take care and love him tender. I really do.


Friday, July 27, 2007

A Carrot, An Egg and A Cup of Coffee

Found this useful. So I paste it here.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she laddled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what u see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity, boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?".

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but
changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle
adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go
forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Manic-depressive disorder

I read this and this.

I realized i got extreme irritability and I dont know how to cope with that.

I have thoughts in my mind that one day, I may end up in mental hospital.

What's wrong with asking? What's wrong with sharing with the one u trust the most? What's wrong with benchmarking ur self?

Its been 17 days from the day I started counting. OYea...I'm counting.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Its Pathetic

love is when he'll be ur first morning call or sms.
love is when he'll be ur last call or sms.
love is giving up ur plans just to go & see him.
love is forcing ur tiredness to just get up & see him.
love is when he'll be the first to hear all the good news (and bad).
love is when he's willing to talk crap wit u.and willing to listen to ur crap.
love is when he's worried sick bout u when u do sumting stupid.and knowing u have a shoulder to cry on.
love is when u cannot get him out of ur mind.no matter how hard u try.
love is when he makes u laugh silly.or when he makes u sad, ur heart hurt & twitch soooo much u cannot sleep.and when u cry, ur crying love, when ur upset wit him, ur willing to forgive & forget .. as simple as dat.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Chemotheraphy

My father had finished all 3 chemotheraphy and he will go for tissue transplant. Im worried coz I have zero knowledge on that.


During the very first chemo


On second chemo. Notice the hair loosing?


After 3rd chemo. Skinny Daddy

Sunday, April 15, 2007

This is painful enough

So many things happen to me recently. I consider those as things that people would not prefer to have.

A month after my father has been diagnosed of having cancer, an urge came to me asking me to have a full body blood test. Lo and behold, I got thalassemia trait in my blood and I am considered of having minor thalassemia which may also cause me to have bipolar disorder. Not just that, Dr said my immunity to Hepatitis B is ZERO. Why? I dont remember I skipped any vaccination on Hepatitis.

That just only on my blood. I got fibroadenoma too. Went for my operation and I realized that im a type of "tak tahan sakit". It was a minor surgery, but yet i felt like im dying. I hate when the Dr inject me with the anesthetic dose. It was too many and too hurry and too painful. I was thinking whether my veins are broken or not.

I hate the feeling when I realized from anesthesia, my throat was choking, hardly coughing, couldnt breathe, my body was shivering badly for about 15 minutes and my mind was thinking "am I dying?", trying to remember what had happened, where was I, what was the time, where's everybody that I know.

It was sad, coz I went there for surgery alone. I was afraid like hell and from there I knew, I am not strong. Apart from prayers of beloved ones that i brought together to the OT, nobody was physically available to support me. Not until 10 minutes after I arrived back to the Day Care Unit. He was there standing beside me, asking me to sleep and couldnt take his eyes off of me. Thank you.

Pain + Sad = Vulnerable. I was sick the whole day (and nite) after the surgery. Drowsy. Vomited few times.

Since my father got the cancer, commotions occurred few times between the family. I had the feeling that this happened coz The Man of The House is not able to wear The Pants anymore. Man and ego. Inseparable. He is weak but still wanted to do everything that he could no longer do which lead to lil' chaos among us. A very uptight situation for me which involved me into an accident on 6 Apr.

Though these happened, I learnt few more things that make me wiser inside. The only person that you can ask for help is YOUrself. When nobody around you can offer a helping hand, you have to be strong. When you got to do it, you got to do it!

I also learnt that being ignorance is the most stupid thing you can do when it comes to own self. Just by having the thoughts that your illnesses would go away automatically, wont help your heart stop pounding hardly whenever your wicked mind trying to figure out what has happened to yourself.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

My God Damn Love

My car's window screen been smacked off by some F***** just to get the few Ringgit kept inside dashboard compartment. He didnt steal my T&Go. He didnt steal my CDs and CD player. My Shoes. My Elle shades still safe and sound there. But funnily enough, he took my Service Booklet and Car Manual. And sadly, he also took away my pink shades from Mr Marks and my ever precious Birthday Card.

:(

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The Pain is Killing Us All

My father just been disgnosed by the Specialist Doctor as having Multiple Myeloma. Please dear all readers, pray for his wellness in health. We are in the state of despair and misery.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

My Bad

Recently, I've discovered something. Something that I should feel ashame of myself. I had a thought that one of my aunties from my mum's side was on extreme diet.

She has 5 sons+daughters at the age of 31. She become skinny and looks like very beauty concious after given birth to her fifth baby. We, The Families had same thought too. She must be on extreme diet that she looks too skinny. Dislikes cooking. Not becoming supermum anymore. Likes to enjoy and spent money on beauty. Abandon her children. Etc.

My bad. Actually, thats just rumours among The Families. She has been diagnosed by Doctor that she's having diabetes. She needs to apply extreme diet or else her diabetes might kill her. She needs to exercise too. Plus, her husband is a coach for MSN's cycler. Thats explained why she is now become pretty.